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Scheiden doet lijden

The title is a Dutch saying for Divorcing is suffering. This is a hard fact people understand when a couple gets a divorce no matter for what reason the marriage/relationship strands. Supporting this posting and before going on further, I would like to reveal some statistics about the divorce in The Netherlands:

  • 1 out of Dutch 3 marriages/relationships (let’s call it this way, cause registered partners have as many rights as married couples) ends up in a divorce
  • in 6 out of 10 divorcing couples, there are children involved. The half of this concern children younger than 10 years
  • 80 % of the children stay with their mother. As it is commonly believed that children are better with their mother than with their father
  • 1 out of 4 children don’t have a contact with their father after the divorce

The third point had been the norm for the judges defining custody (in the benefit of the mother) the last few years. Experts have done some researched and proved this ‘privileged’ for mothers wrong. It became loud and clear: Children are better raised by two parents (my remark: when domestic violence pledged by one of the parents is not, I repeat is not the reason of the divorce). There was a bunch of fathers in The United Kingdom, calling themselves Fathers 4 Justice. Dressing like superheros like Spiderman, Superman, Batman and Robin and by occupying strategic public venues, they beg for political support because they don’t see their children anymore after the divorce. Or in some cases that the ex (mother) cut of f the agreement of seeing the children whenever this suits the mother while the fathers are obliged to pay the alimony monthly.

Now, this movement has grown.  And yes, it is not exclusively for fathers but also expanded for mothers who don’t see their children after the divorce. These mothers call themselves The Purple Hearts. Women in the fathers’circle (aunts, grannies) can join Fathers 4 Justice. The  Fathers 4 Justice and The Purple Hearts fight for the rights of seeing their children, not only for themselves but also for the grandparents. Their goal is creating a mutual right for both parents, the so called co-ouderschap (co parenting).

People get divorce but for their children they are their parents and will always be. If you speak Dutch you can see Dutch Fathers 4 Justice’s website here or click here for UK’s Fathers 4 Justice website.


11 thoughts on “Scheiden doet lijden

  1. It’s alarming to see the statistics. Children have always been the most hit by their parents divorce.

    I agree with that co-ouderschap. The fact that the parents are divorced should not end the relationship of the child with both parents. Of course if one of the parents is proven to be mentally ill (abusive, child molaster etc) the right to see the kids after a divorce might need to be reviewed carefully.

  2. Truly is hurting … in US the number is skyrocketing too.
    Can’t imagine separated with my sweet little girl.

  3. @ San, yeah. Unfortunately, years after the divorce some parties are still holding on the their rage & full of anger. Children are then used as a middle to cope with that (first hand experience since my dear sister is also divorced, with children).

    @ Mas Toni, I see it everywhere it is skyrocketing. I can’t imagine to be seperated with my mini me either.

  4. Thing is, and I don’t know if this is ‘better’ or not, parent who stay together on behalf of the children (can’t bear to be separated from them), would live as roommates instead of a married couple. And children can pick up on that too. Not a very healthy environment for the children, IMHO.

  5. Agree that both should raise the children regardless whether they’re still together or not. I’ve seen how my brother-in-law got hurt so badly, as his ex girlfriend refused to let him seeing their son – and by law he doesn’t have much to argue as they were not married. I haven’t seen my nephew for 4 years as she specifically asks that only him and him only who could see our nephew. Devastating!

  6. Yes co-parenting is good, but sometimes it also feels very sad for us children that parents most of the times keep jealousy to each other because we pay attention differently. It hurts a lot.

    *eh mendadak curcol*

  7. Hmmm… taking my position as the child, I do wish my parents get divorced instead – they’re both driving me crazy and I’m always stuck in the middle, being forced to chose loyalty between the other and it’s so frustrating!

  8. @ Diny, this post is about how divorced parents get along with each other concerning custody right. I don’t plea for parents to stay together for their children’s sake. In this post I describe my point how important it is for both divorced parents to raise their children regardless they’re still together or not.

    The co-parenting I mentioned above is a situation where one parent who has custody ‘shares’ the children fairly (according to the agreement defined by the judge) with the other parent. In most cases this is difficult as anger still dominates the contact. Or worse, there is no contact at all cause the custody holder believes he/she has to right to keep the children for him/herself.

  9. @Finallywoken, it is really devastating and heartbreaking. In this case, not only the parents have a bond with the children but also grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. Does your brother in law gets to see his children on regular basis now?

    @Christin, yes,jealousy among children does exist. If this is caused by the parents, it is very sad indeed. Curcol ngga apa2, gratis…

    @ Therry, now we hear a point from a child. No matter how old you are, you are still their child. It is a dilemma when one child has to choose party between his parents. Adults children can however express themselves & tell the parents about this, but for young children, this loyalty problem, could be an issue when they grow up.

  10. Hello Lorraine. Alarming statistics. I can see the logic but for practical reason, co-parenting with the mum and dad live in different places could be a logistical nightmare. I’d imagine that the excitement of spending this week at mum’s and next week at dad’s would quickly wear off, and be replaced by much frustration for the kids. But hey, if it works, it’ll be good.

    Have you seen The Squid and the Whale? I liked that movie and it illustrates my point above.

  11. Kat,

    Yeah, it is very alarming isn’t it? One out of three relationship ends in a divorce and so on and on. When co parenting works meaning both parents honor the agreement they made, it must be good for the children.

    Hmmm, thanks for the suggestion for The Squid and the Whale. Will look for it & let you know about this.

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